Masturbation, Fun, Consent & Navigating Sexual Trauma.
⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE ⚠️
Sex Education in Secondary School was learning what STD stood for and how to put a condom on a dildo. What it left out, crucially, was how we should navigate consensual sex and the different ways to enjoy it.
In 2014 I finished secondary school, but I left with very little understanding of what I wanted from sex and for my body. Every other week in school, instead of a science class, we had S-E, Sex Education. One lesson that stands out in my memory is the time Miss awkwardly slapped a blue dildo onto the desk and showed us how to put a condom on it. She said the dildo was called ‘Peter’...
Dildos aside, in the year to the end of March 2017, the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW) estimated that 20% of women, that’s one in five of us, and 4% of men have experienced a form of sexual assault since the age of 16. That’s fucking serious. That’s a lot. That means that about one in five of the people reading this would have been sexually assaulted.
I’m going to summarise 5 basic lessons I’ve had to learn on my own because Sex Ed in School didn’t teach it to me. When I was 16, I would have loved to know these things, it would have saved me years of pain and given me much more pleasure.
1. Consent is absolutely essential for positive sexual experiences.
2. Being sexually touched, molested, penetrated, when you do not want to be is traumatic.
3. Rape isn’t always done by Strangers in Dark Alleyways.
4. You’re (probably) Not A Freak.
5. Getting an STI isn’t Shameful.
Notice: this is a pretty hefty chunk of stuff, so if you wanna look into certain bits more, I’ve linked other articles of mine.
1. Consent is Absolutely Essential for Positive Sex Experiences
Yes. This. I’ve gone along with sexual encounters when I haven’t really wanted to, and it starts to feel… disconnecting… What Sex Ed failed to tell us about was the importance of consent both ways.
From a female perspective, they failed to promote a self-awareness when it comes to sex. They didn’t suggest that we ask ourselves,
What do I want? What does my body want right now?
Let me tell you: WHAT YOU WANT IS IMPORTANT. YOUR PLEASURE IS IMPORTANT.
Oh my goddddd I could go on about this for days. Research it, explore yourself, find out what you want and tell your sexual partner. It is so sexy when your partner knows what they like. Perhaps teachers at school were too uncomfortable in themselves to talk about all of this.
Secondly, consent is a two-way street. Consent is about communication. So, talk. Tell your partner (or partners) what you want, ask them what they want, listen. You do not have to do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Tell them that too.
You can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable. It is CRUCIAL that the other person stops. Vice Versa. If your sexual partner says to stop, that they feel uncomfortable, that they no longer want to do this, then you stop. If you do not stop, you are committing sexual assault or rape. This is a serious offence and you are at risk of seriously traumatising the person and their mental health. Stop.
We shouldn’t be concerned about hurting the other person’s feelings if we no longer want to do something.
Ways to say no could be, “Stop”, “I want to stop”, “We need to stop”, “wait”, “I’m not sure I want to do this”, “I feel uncomfortable”, “I don’t want to do this anymore”.
Consent doesn’t have to be awkward. Asking for consent can be, “Is this okay?”, “Would you like to ---?”, “Do you want to ---?”. Giving consent can be as simple as, “Yes”, “please”, “okay”, “sounds good”, “absolutely”, “let’s do it”, “fucking yes please”.
That brings us on to our next lesson learned:
2. Being Sexually Touched, Molested, Penetrated when you Do Not Want to be is Traumatising.
Damn. I mean, yeah. If you’ve not communicated consent, or you have actively communicated that you DO NOT WANT this sexual contact, and the person continues, that is a violation of you and your body. This is what we call sexual assault, ladies and gentlemen. It is a nasty thing. We wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
But, unfortunately, it has happened to a predicted 20% of us.
If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, you are not alone. To get help, visit the Getting Help section of this website.
From my experience, when someone touches you uninvited, or continues to touch you after you’ve communicated no, it feels like you want to leave your body. Someone else is in your space and you don’t feel like you can be there anymore.
This is traumatic.
It feels irritating and itchy and uncomfortable.
Soon after, it can feel empty. Like you’re not really there anymore. Like you’ve left the room.
This is not okay.
We deserve better. We deserve to feel safe.
Perhaps one reason I struggled to feel safe with others again was because it was committed by someone I knew quite well...
3. Sexual Assault and Rape isn’t Always Done by Strangers in Dark Alleyways
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I learnt much about sex going wrong in Sex Ed at all. Yeah, we learnt about catching STDs and passing them on, we learnt how penetrative, heterosexual sex works. But we didn’t know much about what Assault looks like.
So much so that when I was raped, I was like, well, it can’t have been rape, it wasn’t in an alley way, and I knew him.
Maybe this archetype of the “typical” rape comes from the media and tv, but schools should be doing work to debunk this! They should be educating us on reality. Approximately 90% of those who are raped know their perpetrator prior to the event. But Sex Ed didn’t teach me this. So I thought I was alone.
I wasn’t. Neither are you.
4. You’re (probably) Not A Freak.
Because of the teacher's embarrassment when teaching Sex Ed, there was a lot of awkwardness. Until about the age of 19, I spent my teenage years ashamed of the fact I masturbated.
Lesson: most people masturbate.
This should be celebrated. It could mean you’re getting to know your body and what feels good for you. Then you can tell your sexual partners this and make them go “oh wow, you know what you want, that’s sexy” and you can get more pleasure. yay. Also, if you like “solo play” (which is a nicer name for masturbating I think), investigate getting a toy, they are specifically engineered for your pleasure.
Also, a lot of people are into a lot of different things. Some people have certain sensitive spots that they like stimulated. Some people like anal play, it fills them up. Some people experience uncomfortable pain with penetrative sex. Some people only enjoy oral. Some people like oil and slipperiness. Some like food involved. Some people like risk taking. Some people like to feel safe and held. Some people like roughness. Some people like seeing their partner utterly aroused and unable to move (obviously consent must be communicated here, lol. And some special signals for stop should be agreed).
The fact is, pleasure is a whole world to explore. There are many different routes. Try them out with people you trust. Communicate.
Just because you do not understand someone else’s preferences or tastes, DO NOT SHAME THEM. Shame is not a part of safe sex, it makes us feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, which means we’re less likely to tell someone what we want.
Maybe I should teach sex ed. This is fun...
And finally,
5. Getting an STI isn’t Shameful
Sexually Transmitted Infections are very common. I think a lot of us learnt about how not to get one, and that they're disgusting. But there is a huge gaping hole in the education around how to get help if you do get an STI.
I’ve been to a few sexual health clinics in my time, and they’ve all been fine, although I had to queue for ages cos I didn’t have an appointment... So yeah, you go to the doctor! You don't ignore your symptoms! You get checked at a sexual health clinic. And remember, that doctors and sexual health clinic nurses see this shit aaaaaaall day every day. So this visit doesn't need to be accompanied by embarrassment.
Most people with an STI don’t actually have symptoms, so whenever you’ve had a new “intimate”(a word for a sexual partner, playing on the adjective intimate and the word mate) it’s important that you do get tested, even if you feel fine. Most STIs can be cured with antibiotics, and the sooner you get treated the better. Until it’s cleared, just hold off. If you think you’re being a bit careful, you’re not being careful enough.
I think it should be part of a positive safe-sex package to explicitly state the last time you were checked, and whether you have any STIs. Incorporating this into your practice encourages open dialogue and then you’re able to fully consent knowing the whole story.
Also, side note for people with le vagine, keep an eye on your discharge – this can be a really good indicator of the pH level inside, and whether you might have an infection. Never put cleaning products up there, we have clever organs that clean themselves out pretty efficiently.
Overall, there is a shit tonne of stuff that Sex Education at School missed out on. I could go on and on, but that would be tiresome... so I thought I’d stop at 5.
Ultimately,
We need to feel safe. To feel safe, we need openness, honesty, and communication. (and protection from Infections lol)
And when we’re maintaining that communication, and that trust, the fun is endless.
AND THERE IS SO MUCH FUN TO BE HAD OH. MY. GOD.
Important Notice:
If you feel you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped, you did not deserve it.
You deserve to feel safe and secure, to be listened to and respected.
You have a legal right to say what happens to your body and to withdraw consent at any point.
Sexual Violence is a Crime.
You can get professional help by visiting:
Rape Crisis: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Victim Support: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support The Survivors Trust: https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support Survivors UK (for male victims of S.A.): https://www.survivorsuk.org/ Or contacting:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (Mon-Fri, 3pm-6pm) Rape Crisis Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year) The police, or dialling: 101
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