How do I say "No" to sex?

What to do when you don’t want to have sex with someone

⚠️Trigger warning: reference to sexual assault and rape⚠️

When we’re approaching sex with someone, we need to be able to say what we want and what we don’t want. Aaaand, it is vital that we listen to each other.

Some of us are very concerned with upsetting our partners by saying "no" or "I don't want to". But we should be learning, as sexual partners, how to take rejection. If you don't want to engage in sex, your partners feelings are secondary. Your safety and enthusiasm come first.

Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. It’s about communication between us: that we want something mutually. It says “yes, you are invited to touch me and my body”.

You can withdraw consent at any point, whether you’re uncomfortable or in pain, or you just don’t want to anymore, it is your right to say what happens to your body.

You deserve to be in pleasure, and you deserve to be respected and listened to.

In this article, I’m going to give you 10 different ways you can say no or withdraw consent.

Importantly, in situations where you want to stop, or you don’t want to do something, their feelings of rejection are not your responsibility. First and foremost, you need to feel safe.

When there is trust and safety, much more fun and pleasure can be had!

Ways to Say No

1. No… no thanks, nope, nah, nay, no thank you, nuh-uh, no… definitely not, absolutely not… anything along the lines of this really. This will do it.

2. I don’t want to… I don’t like that… I don’t enjoy this… I don’t want anymore…

3. Body Language: shaking your head “no”. In some other countries, this might mean something else. Try to ensure that all body language is mutual.

Ways to say Stop or Withdraw Consent

4. Stop… enough… no more… I want to stop … I’ve had enough… I need to stop… any of these are clear and communicate the clear withdrawal of consent.

5. Let’s stop… We need to stop… We should stop… this comes across as more of a team situation, as if to say, we’re in this together. This can cushion any blow of rejection for them.

6. Body Language: You could have hands up in front of you, palms facing them, as if to say “stop”. Or just one hand. Arms across chest could mean you want to feel protected and safe, and you don’t right now. Hand cuts across the throat as if to say “Cut it out”, “I’m done”, “stop”. Holding your hands to a T shape and tapping twice, for “time out”. Tap on the shoulder or Slap on the back these might be good if you can’t see their face, for example if they are on top of you and their head is over your shoulder, or they have their head down. It gets their attention.

7. Code Words or Signals: these can be agreed words or signals that communicate: stop. These are crucial in risk-taking role play situations.

Cushioning the blow

Although sexual rejection doesn’t have to be a “blow”, these ways of saying no or withdrawing consent might feel more reassuring to a sensitive or insecure partner.

8. This isn’t about you but …: This isn’t personal… You can support your partner at the same time, whilst still expressing your desire to stop. “This would be great but I’m in pain and I need to stop”.

9. This could be better if …: This would be better if… Could you try … instead? This approach is more about constructive feedback to make the situation more comfortable or pleasurable. Sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved.

10. Can we stop?: although I don’t like the asking, sometimes this is a softer way of communicating no. It should be rhetorical (not supposed to be answered). They should stop immediately and say “yes, of course”.

What happens if we say no and they carry on?

This is an outright violation of your rights. Sexual violence is a crime.

Try to keep saying no, try to be loud, try to communicate it in any way you know how. (LINK to How to Say No).

Anything that happens afterwards is NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are at risk of being traumatised. You might start to experience panic or numbness. You might feel stuck and frozen. Here you can research the flight, fight, or freeze response that happens in the brain.

You deserve to feel safe in your own body. You deserve to be listened to.

Important Notice:

If you feel you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped, you did not deserve it.

You deserve to feel safe and secure, to be listened to and respected.

You have a legal right to say what happens to your body, and to withdraw consent at any point.

Sexual Violence is a Crime.

You can get professional help by visiting:

Rape Crisis: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ Victim Support: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support The Survivors Trust: https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support Survivors UK (for male victims of S.A.): https://www.survivorsuk.org/ Or contacting:

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (Mon-Fri, 3pm-6pm) Rape Crisis Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year) The police, or dialling: 101