⚠️trigger warning: mention of sexual assault and rape⚠️
What is Consent?
Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.1 It is about communication: communicating that you want to do something and receiving the same communication back. Both ways; two ways; or three ways.
It says: “yes, you are invited to touch me and my body.”
You can withdraw consent AT ANY POINT in a sexual encounter. If you feel uncomfortable, or you are in pain, or you want to stop, you can say so. At any point. And the other person must oblige.
If only half the party wants to have sex, that is not enough. Everyone involved must want this, otherwise it becomes traumatic, and criminal.
Throughout the sex, consent can be navigated. For example, each changing position, or each area of the body explored requires consent.
You can check out some ways to Ask for Consent here, or ways to say No and why you shouldn’t apologise.
Why is it important?
Consent is important because it means we are communicating an invitation. Without the invitation, things can become confusing and dangerous.
If you are touched when you do not want to be touched, it can cause you to feel uncomfortable, itchy, even like you don’t want to be there anymore. This might feel like panic. If this persists, you may experience a feeling of disconnection or disassociation, like you have left your body. This is not nice to feel. We deserve to feel safe.
As well, when someone explicitly tells you that you are wanted, that is sexy.
Consent lays the groundworks for explorative play. If you are consenting along the way, and you are listening and respecting and responding to each other’s wishes and desires, trust can be built. From a place of trust, much more pleasure can be had!
When we are able to relax, because we feel safe and respected, our bodies are more likely to reach climax, and we can experience a lot more fun and a lot more pleasure.
What happens if we don’t give consent?
If we don’t give consent, and we are touched anyway, we might feel confused as to who our body belongs to. If someone touches us without asking, we might not mind if we also wanted it, but if we didn’t we could feel angry or annoyed or confused. They don’t have the right to do that.
Your body is your own. No one else owns your body. Your body belongs to you. You have the legal right to decide what happens to your body. You deserve to feel safe in your body.
You do not owe anyone else your body. You do not owe anyone else pleasure.
If this is confused, or even completely ignored, we can begin to feel traumatised and panicked.
For example, we could feel like we don’t want this to be happening to our bodies, and we are simultaneously in our heads, thinking that, and experiencing bodily sensations that we do not want to be feeling. This can be very alienating. We might start to think “I don’t want to be here anymore in this body”.
When we feel unsafe in our own bodies, we might withdraw and become “numb” to feeling. Our brains can do this to protect us from feeling. But this is not how we deserve to feel.
Or, over time we might re-experience this sensation of “I can’t be in this body right now”, like panic, and our brains become less able to tell the difference between safe situations and unsafe situations.
Sex should be pleasurable for everyone involved.
What happens if we say no and they carry on?
This is an outright violation of your rights. Sexual violence is a crime.
Try to keep saying no, try to be loud, try to communicate it in any way you know how. (LINK to How to Say No).
Anything that happens afterwards is NOT YOUR FAULT.
You are at risk of being traumatised. You might start to experience panic or numbness. You might feel stuck and frozen. Here you can research the flight, fight, or freeze response that happens in the brain.
You deserve to feel safe in your own body. You deserve to be listened to.
Important Notice:
If you feel you’ve been sexually assaulted or raped, you did not deserve it.
You deserve to feel safe and secure, to be listened to and respected.
You have a legal right to say what happens to your body, and to withdraw consent at any point.
Sexual Violence is a Crime.
You can get professional help by visiting:
Rape Crisis: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/ Women’s Aid: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
Victim Support: https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/help-and-support The Survivors Trust: https://www.thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support Survivors UK (for male victims of S.A.): https://www.survivorsuk.org/ Or contacting:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (Mon-Fri, 3pm-6pm) Rape Crisis Helpline: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day of the year) The police, or dialling: 101
Resources and References
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