Singing it Loud: self-compassion through songwriting

This short article explores how self-compassion through songwriting enabled me to remove shame and move forward in my recovery.

Shut up and get on with it

I used to get annoyed at people who talked about how unfair their problems were - how ignored and invisible they felt - how much they’re suffering. I thought quietly to myself, no one wants to hear that, we’ve all got problems, shut up. What I realised, though, is those quiet thoughts and loud judgements were more towards myself than anyone else. I told myself to stay quiet, not make a fuss, not complain, even when it came to being raped. Ha. Absurd. But sadly, true. 

More specifically, I had shame on my tail telling me that because I didn’t use violence to stop him, and because it didn’t look like the rapes I'd seen depicted in movies, I shouldn’t be complaining, or even be calling it rape. 

Verse 1 I have these doubts inside my head Saying that I didn’t do enough “Shut your mouth, don’t be too loud” They criticise me, telling me I play the victim

That realisation - that it was judgement on myself; that I was self-silencing - was a slow burn. A catalyst, though, was a friendship. 

Treat others as you treat yourself

Reflected back to me within a friendship, I realised how unkind I was being (internally) to someone with a lot of struggle who needed to be heard. This friend was advocating for her needs to be met and for her space to be held, and internally I was telling her to shut up. Not cool. Not nice. So I turned that around; I started making space for her in myself - listening to her, believing her, accepting her story as she said it. This is empathy. 

Soon enough, this friend indirectly taught me how to have more empathy and compassion for myself. And before long, I was able to witness my own experience from a compassionate perspective and even advocate for my own space to talk about my own struggles. I was able to say to myself, more so than I had before, ‘okay, that was bad. You did suffer. You still are suffering. I hear you.’ 

Biting back

In song, I then began biting back at the voices (mostly shame) that silenced me and shut me up (and had done the same to others). This biting back was me showing up for myself in ways I hadn’t done before. It was also anger going: nah nah nah, you won’t be silenced by this.

Chorus 1 But I won’t swallow it down, I will spit it out For I am singing it now, I will spit it out

https://video.wixstatic.com/video/c6afef_fd4854c09feb40d6916fe076cada95eb/1080p/mp4/file.mp4

And it’s a practice, like everything else. A practice to not get caught up in trying to reason with these demons, whilst still noticing and acknowledging their presence…

Verse 2 Memories change, they alter in time But my body doesn’t lie - the pain it shows. I’ve tried to reason with it, levelled with the demon in it But only found the heaviness Oh god, the heaviness For years, I let it eat me whole

Singing it loud

There’s a difference, though, between biting back in the privacy of your own songs, and speaking, or singing, this loudly in shared spaces. There will always be people in the world - at times in their life - who are inflicting shame; who don’t want to hear about your struggle; who don’t have compassion for you. I know that well because that was me (not entirely, of course, but in some cases I was capable of being cold-hearted). 

I’m fortunate to have mostly experienced compassion when sharing my experiences about rape. Having said that, there isn’t much cold, nasty sh*t other people could say to me about my experiences that I haven’t already said to myself. This makes me bolder, and braver. 

I have this perspective that they’ll come round, one day. And, maybe, I’m being that mirror for them. I do wonder if, without that friendship reflecting so much back at me, I would have even started writing an album about being a rape survivor… 

Chorus 2 But I won’t swallow it down, I will spit it out For I am standing my ground, and I’m singing it now, I will spit it out

Outro “Shut your mouth, don’t be too loud” I’m singing it now, I will spit it out “Shut your mouth, don’t be too loud” I’m singing it now, I will spit it out

But here I am now. Standing my ground. Singing it loud. With an awareness that my music could have many impacts… it might inspire others to advocate for themselves, to seek support, to be kinder to themselves… and it might even be a mirror, being a catalyst for change in turning someone’s cold-heart warm :) 

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