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Overcoming the Inner Doubt

Writer's picture: LucyLucy

This year, I re-opened the rape case with the police. After watching I May Destroy You, episode five, where Arabella publicly denounces Zain as a rapist, I was moved to make him suffer. There is a hesitancy on what to call it; the event, the incident, the thing-I-was-a-victim-of; the rape, my rape... It doesn’t belong to me, it’s not something I own, but it is a crime that happened to me, and I am talking about the particular offense that I was a victim of so, is "my rape" appropriate? Nevertheless… I reported it and gave a statement on video. I can’t really talk about the crime or the case so that’s all I’ll say on that, but that’s what been going on for me lately.


I was expecting to feel a sense of relief after giving my statement as if it’s “over” now but I didn’t feel that. Instead, I just kept saying “it’s done now”, “I’ve done it”. I’m not sure what I feel about that right now. Will it ever truly be over? Probably not, but I guess that's up to me.


I’ve often thought being angry was an ugly thing, something we needed to control, something unhelpful and unnecessary, but is it so bad to be angry at something so wrong? No. So, I’m pissed off, I’m angry, and I’m working on allowing myself to be angry at all the little things, as well as the bigger things like - being raped.


In the back of my mind, there is still this niggling doubt which bites away at my integrity and assurance asking whether I said no enough, whether I said it clearly enough. As I write this, I question whether he even asked. I won’t go into my rape and the specifics of what happened, because 1. It’s unhelpful to you, and 2. I don’t wanna trip myself up in this police case. But, the lesson here is that NOT GETTING SOMEONE’S CLEAR, SOBER, AND VOLUNTARY CONSENT IS ENOUGH GROUNDS FOR RAPE. So, I can rest assured.


On top of these doubts, I have also this idea that I might be making this event seem traumatic and a big deal when it really isn’t that bad. This harshness began as a feeling, a swallow-me-down doubt, which evolved into language and thought, and this is the first time I’m putting it onto a page. The theory of this doubt supposes that, if one repeatedly says that an event was soandso (traumatic in this case), would that alone make the event seem soandso (even if it wasn’t)? Therefore, is the event only traumatic and awful because I keep repeating the narrative that it was traumatic and awful? Would I even be suffering from it if I wasn’t thinking about it in this way?


The doubt has some grounding to it; our memories can falter and be framed differently depending on how we feel, as well, I understand the notion of taking control and deciding how you feel about something. BUT, this is different. When it comes to my body experiencing real trauma, releasing real stress hormones, and imprinting this event in me so I can prepare for danger in the future and run away, that shit is real.


When an individual tells another that they don’t want to do something, and that is ignored, and it is done to them anyway, and then this is repeated in a short space of time, two or three times, this is widely accepted as a not-very-nice experience. I can sleep easy knowing the incident was not very nice.


It seems ridiculous to be describing rape as “not-very-nice”, but this is me trying to reason with the nasty doubt that visits me frequently. A friend wouldn’t dare entertain the idea that the rape was only not nice because I said it was not nice; a friend wouldn’t say “try and look at it in a different way”; because they care. So, in the name of self-care, I’m going to tell this doubt to fuck off.


Fuck off, doubt, you stupid witch.


I’m pretty fortunate that no one has ever expressed to my face that my feelings are invalid, or that what happened to me shouldn’t be made out to be a big deal. In fact, I think I’m the only person that those ideas have ever come from. Lol, way to go, me.


I have tried to reason with this witch but, in doing so, I have realised how irrational this doubt is. The truth of the matter is: sexual assault is bad for the victim. It is traumatic. The law says so, and I say so.


It’s inevitable that doubts will arise, but I think what I’m going to do is ask, ‘is this thought moving me forwards or holding me down?’ In most cases, I suspect, it will be a limiting belief that is unloving and unhelpful. In which case I will tell it: Fuck off you stupid witch.

I hope you can do the same.

P.s. You are deserving of getting proper help. Reach out and lean into vulnerability. The great Mama Ru Paul said, in season 10 of Drag Race, ‘vulnerability is power’. Go get your power bitch x

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