Why it's okay for survivors to make rape jokes and no one else

Friends and I who have experienced sexual violence makes jokes about, and play down the trauma of, sexual violence. It's hilarious. We are hilarious. Why? Because we know it's a joke.

Humour comes from a shared understanding

From what I understand, most of the time, we laugh with others because we share some sort of understanding. When we're talking about sexual violence and rape jokes, the understanding I'm talking about is that RAPE IS VERY VERY BAD. When we joke and come from this place of undermining or belittling the experiences of rape victims, that's when it's no longer funny.

So, me and my pals who have, for example, gone through the experience of reporting to the police, could make some joke about how exciting and joyful the process is. Obviously, it's the opposite, but we know that, and that's why we laugh... ha ha ha what a shit show ...

We don't know where you're coming from

For us to laugh together from this place of shared understanding, we need to have established trust and safety.

For men, unless you establish yourself as a safe person who can be trusted because you understand the awfulness of rape and sexual violence, don't make rape jokes. Even when you think you're a safe person for that, that's not for you to decide. It's for the survivors to decide whether you're safe for them.

You may think you understand the awfulness of rape, you may be a supporter of survivors, but we may not feel that way.

Statistically speaking, over 1 in 5 women have been raped and about 90% of those rapists were known to the victim prior as someone trusted. After that, it's very difficult to trust men again, to know where they're coming from, to understand where they're coming from.

Let's not leave NB (non-binary) people out of the convo, cos queer folks are also more likely victims of sexual violence. I guess you come into this as survivors and non survivors.

The blanket statement, dont make jokes about sexual violence

An exception is: if there's an established trust and understanding - for example, because you're both survivors - you can joke about your own hardships.

Having said that, even as a rape survivor, I wouldn't joke about male rape in prison cos... I don't have an understanding of what that's like. All the constant jokes about dropping soap just trivialises it. It's not something to be undermined or belittled.

My rape is a joke (hahahaha) but not to you pals, not to you. Unless, of course, I choose to invite you in to my amazing, hilarious circle of trust.

It's erm, it's very nuanced. But, I thrive on nuance.