⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL VIOLENCE&RAPE⚠️
Why is saying "victim" important?
Control
We want to be in control.
We don’t like the idea that we could lose control. It makes us vulnerable to damage.
A lot of us view victim-hood as a bad thing. “Playing the victim” might mean not taking responsibility for our actions, that we are copping out of responsibility, that we expect people to feel sorry for us and go easier on us because we didn’t realise something, or we didn’t choose these difficulties. This annoys a lot of people, especially when people complain about their circumstance without changing it.
We might hear, ‘we should be the author of our lives’; ‘we should take responsibility for our actions and take responsibility for our future’; ‘we are creators of our existence, not victims to circumstance’... the privilege and the ignorance it takes to say that...
Denial
When I was raped, I told myself and everyone that I wasn’t raped. I told myself that it was my partly my choice: that I chose not to use violence and scream to get him off. That I had chosen to go to his house. I told myself that I was responsible as much as he was.
It was easier to believe that, because this meant I was in control.
The truth of it is this: I was not responsible.
When “I don’t want to” was ignored; when “stop” was ignored; my body saw danger. When I couldn't fight it, or flee it, I froze. I stopped; I shut down; I logged out. My brain recognised danger and panic and it thought ‘if I’m not really present with this, it’s gonna be much easier’. This wasn’t my choice. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I was just stuck.
Definitions
A definition of victim is ‘a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.’ For me, this nails it. I was helpless and I became passive in the face of ill-treatment.
Because of my brain’s natural fight/flight/freeze response in the face of danger, I gave up control. I had to, to protect myself. I was in survival mode. Understanding this helped me to understand what it meant to be a victim. This helped me to say, “I was a victim of rape”, because this is how my body saw it.
Another definition of victim is ‘a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action’. This has a different feel to it. With this definition, it meant a serious crime had been committed by someone. They had broken the law and, if justice was served, they would go to prison for it. It is our legal right to decide what happens to my body. Sexual violence is a crime... it is as simple as that.
To rephrase the definition of victim, I was ‘harmed […] as a result of’ him putting his dick inside me without my consent (sorry for the graphics).
When it comes to unsafe situations in which our brain goes into survival mode, we are no longer in control.
So Why Should We Say “Victim”?
It is important to say victim because they took away your authorship
It is important to say victim because they took away your control
It is important to say victim because it is important to accept your vulnerability
It is important to say victim because that is how your body experienced it
It is important to say victim because sexual violence is a crime
Saying “I was a victim” says “I was in a moment that I couldn’t get out of, and I have been harmed as a result”. Saying “I was a victim” says “I am allowed to feel angry. I am allowed to feel grief. I am allowed to feel sad. I am allowed to scream and cry.”
You are allowed to feel sad. You are allowed to get angry. In fact, get fucking livid. I am fucking livid. I’m fucking fuming. How dare they take away my voice; take away my say. How dare they fucking do that. All of these thoughts and feelings are okay. All of this is acceptable. All of this is allowed.
By accepting what happened, embracing the truth, feeling the darkness it brings, you are able to take back what they took.
Survivor
When you’re ready, you can figure out what you want to do with this, how you want to move forward, in control.
When you are ready, ask yourself:
How do I want my future to be?
Let me tell you:
I AM EMPOWERED.
I AM LIVING IN TRUTH.
I AM STRONGER BECAUSE OF THIS.
I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I DO NOT WANT YOUR PITY.
I WANT YOU TO JOIN ME.
As survivors, we are not just victims, we are victims who took our authorship back.
Yeah... I cried when I wrote that last line.
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